Forty Summat

As I seem to have been consistently fuckingmiserable recently I thought something vaguely cheery would be 'nice'.

So here are some random good things that make bad feelings recede into the middle distance.

1. Having a full tank of petrol and the feeling that if you wanted, you could just drive off where ever the hell you liked.....

2.Finding a tiny baby green tomato on your precious tomato plants

3.Ditto courgettes.

4.The sun is shining...and the weather forecasters predicted rain.

5. Nick Griffin got pelted with eggs!!!!!!!!

6. Madonna got her baby - I know we're all supposed to hate her guts because she 'swans' in, waves her magic wand and runs off with a baby - but I've watched hundreds of hours of footage of starving babies and always wanted to do exactly the same thing. Great big house, big pile of money, you would wouldn't you - and you know that the baby will be happy and healthy (until obviously it hits its teens and then no doubt it'll go all Hollywood and drug shaped, but till then, yay Madonna, two words that I never thought I'd put together in a sentence).

7. The press have stopped banging on about Gordon Brown etc, expenses, bankers, swine flu - for now. I think they feel a bit guilty about contributing to the whole BNP mess - and they should.

8. It's still sunny!!!!

9. The Guardian had its first headline worrying about inflation - weird reason to be happy I suppose but if you read between the lines its because the economy is reluctantly picking itself up after its bruising encounter with the w/bankers. Naturally the Guardian doesn't want to go all mushy and optimistic so it's whinging about inflation....but still.

10.........not sure there are ten good things to be happy about but hey, having nine good things is good enough for me!

Apparently the BNP's leader Griffin got pelted with eggs yesterday and had to be hustled to cover. Now generally I wouldn't encourage anyone to throw anything at anyone, but you can see how tempting it might be can't you?

The rise of the British National Party is a huge embarrassment for the country; we like to think that we're all rather lovely and tolerant, and the existence of this piece of political excrement and their popularity with voters kinda proves that we're not!

In my own family I have occasionally come across casual racism in the past - and I've been quick to condemn it. But my in-laws are frequently guilty of the same stuff, and for family peace I'm obliged to tolerate it. But it makes me sick.

One of the things that makes me equally sick and shamed of racism etc is that, working class people - ie my class, are the most frequent perpetrators. But then perhaps it's the folk down at the bottom of the pile who like to have someone to kick?

There's no excuses for it though, and no excuses for the BNP either - we are no more overwhelmed in this country than any other in the EU and many parts of the UK rarely see black or brown faces even now: go to the working class areas of Scotland or the prosperous villages of England and try and spot anyone African or Asian. You'll struggle.

Freedom of movement around the globe is one of the marks of a civilised nation and a modern world, you can't start erecting walls the way the Israeli's have or like the one in Berlin without causing untold oppression and pain. No-one in the UK can insist that we close our doors to people who want to improve their lives - especially if the country they come from is in a mess primarily because of our historic interventions (would Pakistan be the country it is without Partition? Would India have the pockets of poverty it endures if we hadn't colonised it? And what about our role in Africa? If you want to sleep nights it's best not to consider British history abroad).

The BNP insist they are vilified and maligned - they are not, we all know that they are racists and the people who voted for them probably chose them on that basis.

At the next election, no matter how bitter you feel about the Labour government, don't decide to stay home, because your good sensible vote for the Tories, Liberals or even Labour keeps the BNP where it should be - in the trash can of history.

If Gordon Brown has any sense he will ignore the nay sayers and stay on until he's obliged to go. First of all he's managed to engineer what could be the end of the recession and he should be in charge until the outcome of his polices are realised.
Second of all, you cannot change the countries leadership without a general election...again.
Thirdly the backstabbers and quitters (Blears etc) don't impress anyone, and no one should listen to their words of advice, hopefully their disloyalty has condemned them to years in the wilderness.
The local elections look bad - but these were the shires for the most part - the Middle England, Daily Mail/Express/Telegraph reading heartland.
The alternative to sticking around is letting the Tories in.... and that can't be countenanced...

Yesterday's local council election and the European vote are going pretty much as I had feared - sheep-like voters are giving Labour a good old walloping as per instructions from the mainly Tory press. It's a lot like turkey's voting for Christmas of course but, heck let's not let political history and outcomes stand in the way of a good heckle shall we?

I was talking to a chum recently about politics - she reads the Mail and can't name a single member of the cabinet, when pressed she can't come up with any Tory policies either (there's a good reason for this though - they're aren't any) but she likes David Cameron. She says things like 'don't get me started on benefit scroungers' in total seriousness and thinks that the country has never been in a worse state than it is now. She genuinely believes that we need a change of government to sort it all out. Fine, but people much stupider than her get to vote; she has degree and a good job, she actually reads a paper that sometimes reports on politics, not just on Big Brother and big tits, she is caring and when you argue your point she listens. People who are deciding the fate of your mortgage and your livelihood are not necessarily as smart, or indeed nowhere near as smart. Be afraid, be very afraid.

We were out of the country for several years: one of the reasons we left was because we had a mortgage we could barely afford - largely because of the interest rates. The last Tory government were responsible for interest rates climbing into double figures, and if you have a mortgage that is three times your income that is hard. So we voted in the 1997 election and buggered off, relieved that we no longer had to worry about all that.

The Labour party meanwhile set about fixing the country - they increased public spending, made the country prosperous, got us talking to the rest of Europe and tried to fix crime and poverty. They haven't succeeded of course because Rome wasn't built in a day and neither of these issues has any easy or voter friendly solutions: crime is probably the product of inequality, poverty is the product of capitalism. But we came home to a country that seemed a lot happier with itself - although the press seemed to be getting restless...

And then the banking system fell apart: Brown stepped up, and to more or less world-wide acclaim starting coming up with solutions - you can see the results of this fix already with a few tiny green shoots. Then came the expenses row - orchestrated by tax evaders (Telegraph owners,the Barclay brothers don't bother with tax, they live in the Channel islands and give their address as Monaco) and happily seized upon by the Tories as somehow a problem with the Labour party (although their MP's happily fleeced the country too).

The result is this - you and I are now looking at rule by a party led by an old Etonian and designed to promote the values of capitalism - welfare issues are much less of an issue than getting and spending. Well don't say I didn't warn you.

There’s an election or two coming up and it now seems certain that UK’s voters are going to desert Labour and head for the righter shores of politics. In this largely liberal, tolerant and social welfare minded nation, how did this happen?

Well, the newsprint press haven’t exactly helped; they seem to be intent on acting as enablers for the upcoming Tory government. The newspapers have leapt from one moral panic to another with the sort of puppy-like enthusiasm which would make one smile indulgently if it wasn’t going to lead the country straight into the hands of the Eton-lead, right-allied Tory party (or indeed the more malevolent forces of BNP and UKIP).

Stanley Cohen wrote about folk devils and moral panics in the 1970’s – the press seemed to have viewed this as a handbook in the manipulation of popular culture. The last few years have seen them lurching enthusiastically from folk devils to moral panics in a matter of weeks – knife crime, social workers, bankers, government. And in between times they scream ‘Panic’ over various different end-of-the-world scenarios (which never actually materialise) bird flu, Sars, swine flu.

If I were given to paranoia I would speculate that the largely Tory run press are running a campaign to get their government of choice back in power (they flirted with the Labour party when the Tories were so hapless that they voted for William Hague ....William Hague!), and that the current Telegraph run expenses row was a ploy to take the heat off the finance world (let’s face it, Sir Fred could’ve bankrolled the house of Commons out of his private jet fund). The Telegraph is owned by a pair of slightly odd brothers who live on their own private tax-free Channel island and whose address is given as Monaco – their motivation for releasing details of MP’s expenses (with Labour party first of course) should be viewed with suspicion...

If it’s not about conspiracy, maybe the problem is the near hysterical search for a ‘story’ and the belief that you have to compete with the products of your competitors – the Labour Party are getting the sort of treatment that Majors government enjoyed, not because that group of MP’s were any more shockingly hopeless than previous incumbents, but simply because the press were bored and fancied a change of direction, a different narrative flow as it were. And now poor old Gordon and his pals are on the receiving end of the same.

I don’t believe that all journalists are scum, heaven forbid, but I do wonder at the motivation of a group of people that can happily work for the Sun, the Mail, or dear God, the Express. I mean, don’t they ever wonder whether ceaseless stories about Maddie, Diana and Big Brother interspersed with vilifying immigrants was what their degree in English or journalism is ‘for’. The Guardian is the only paper that I can read these days and even then their blind compulsion to follow the same old tired tracks of their peers (the expenses row, swine flu) when they can ‘do’ proper investigative journalism (off shore banking and tax evasion) is a bit depressing. And don’t even get me started on the fault-blindness that they exhibit with Mr. David Cameron (he mis-used the expenses system too, and you’d think a centre left paper would be hot on his tracks....but no...)

I don’t think that the press are the source of all our problems, but with their ceaseless whining and nay-saying they come pretty close; if they have to chose between good news (the curlew is off the endangered list) or bad news (the cuckoo is on the list) they’ll always lead with the bad. This country had never been safer, cleaner, healthier or more prosperous than in the last few years, but all the press still managed to give the impression that we were afflicted with continual youth crime, ill-health, litter and poverty all the time.

Australians assume that Australia is the best bloody country on the earth – and their enthusiasm is so infectious that hundreds of British folk hike over there every year (to a county that institutionalises racism, pollutes like a bastard and is largely made up of inhospitable desert) – we have a gorgeous country that we largely protect, we agonise over whether windmills are better than wave power and our health and education systems are still the envy of most of the world (including Australians – they invariably have to consider private healthcare/education to compensate for poorly funded public versions, they don’t have maternity leave either). Perhaps, just for one week, we could try talking up the country, loving-it-up, extolling its virtues and downplaying its faults – maybe that would keep BNP et al where they should be, in the rubbish bin of history.

The more the press pursue the issue of MP's expenses the angrier I get. At the MPs? No, at a media has finally exhausted my patience.

Stephen Fry has gone on record to say that MP's being criticised by journalists for being venal is laughable and I would tend to agree. This is the ultimate case of pots calling the kettle black.

Think about it... actually think, have you met your MP? I have and I have rarely met a more hard working, modest, and well-intentioned bloke in my life. I had complained to him about a NHS issue and he took the time to meet me, speak to my doctors and intervene in the case. He votes sensibly in parliament and scuttles backwards and forwards between my hometown and London. He does the right thing. He gets an above average wage, but it's by no means excessively high (compared to, ooh, let's think about, oh yeah, bankers, footballers, barristers/ solicitors, GP's, dah-di-dah) and he has to maintain two homes with it. I assume he will be making allowance claims but let's face it, how could he do his job otherwise, have you seen the rents and house prices in London?

Most of our MP's are decent people, if the system allows them to top up their income they will do so and most will stay within the bounds of reason. Some will not. I can say this with some confidence because MP's are people and most people behave well, some do not.

If we start thinking of our MP's are largely untrustworthy people, our democracy won't work, because we will opt out and stop voting, or start voting for the wrong reasons. Our government is not corrupt - it is considered to be one of the most open in the world - take a look at Italy? It's run by a millionaire media mogul who owns most of the TV and newspapers and has a shady financial past (possibly related to the Mafia). His media outlets do not allow criticisms of Silvio so all the gaffs and idiocies that we are all too aware of, are passing the Italians by. TheUnited States is largely run by lobbyists in the pay of big business (as poor old Barack is rapidly discovering) and Spain was disfigured by a culture of brown envelopes - the current socialist government is desperately trying to undo the damage caused to their country by years of corruption.

We have become cynical about our MPs and this is not healthy. Let me be clear, I am not saying that we should become as meek and accepting as lambs, we should have a little healthy scepticism about anything we are told, and we should always make use of our critical faculties. But that is rather different from assuming that everything that our government and it's representatives say and do is bad, and that they all have their noses in the trough. If MP's wanted to get rich they wouldn't be MP's, they would have worked at Lloyds Bank.

If you watch "The thick of It" or " In the loop" by all means have a laugh, Chris Langham and Armando Iannucci are very funny writers - but they are not MP's with a special insight into government, they are comic writers .....cynical comic writers. Journalists are men and women after a story - they are not people campaigning to save you... the story and their living is their primary interest. if some good occasionally comes out of it, well and good, but if lots of bad stuff happens, well, shit, it's not their fault.

We are sleepwalking to another potentially disastrous Tory government in this country because we have become a nation of idiots: we believe the press, we watch crap "reality" TV, we want 'change'. Actually we don't want change - we have a country led by a group of people who usually have the majorities best interests at heart (honestly they do, they've just been distracted by money markets - look at your parks, schools and hospitals and try and remember what Thatcher did to them). Cameron and his shadow cabinet are old school Tories and when in power they will ensure that people like themselves will prosper and devil take the hindmost. By the way, that's you!

Read the newspapers with

Just when you think it's safe to stop worrying (about the economy, global warming, the obesity epidemic, knife crime, binge drinking, SARS, avian flu....) along comes another reason to be glum/anxious. The press are doing their bit to fuel the fire of course. And the news of the telly isn't much better - last nights BBC news had the talking head telling us not to panic, but in the background there were large pictures of sick children in medical face masks...

Flu kills thousands of people worldwide every year and it's clearly been a scourge in the past (post first World War it killed an estimated 17 million), but can I point out that after the last two panics of a similar nature, our government stockpiled tonnes of anti-virals and with proper treatment this particular outbreak will do no more than make you feel a bit peaky for a few days.

And even if the virus does mutate and we are facing a Survivors/I am Legend/apocalypse scenario, can I suggest that the press going into full PANIC mode is a less than helpful response anyway?

Apparently you can now by an over the counter version of a fat blocking diet aid. Great. When this pill was first released for medical use it was hailed as a potential road to a world of slim people. Until folk who took it starting shitting themselves that is. Often in public places. Which is never a good thing is it?

The problem with this drug is it stops fat being absorbed by the gut, but the fat has to go somewhere, so it goes out. Quickly, without warning. In your pants. Now obviously you should eat a low fat diet while taking the drug, but in that case, why not just eat a low fat, low calorie diet and get slim that way?

The 'secret' to weight loss is to use more calories than you eat. So if you want to eat three thousand calories you had better be fell running or swimming for miles, or having sex 15 times (if you do it right). if you want to be a fat blubbery bastard (which is the technical term for the obese) - eat three thousand calories and drive to work, sit a desk, drive home, eat in front of the TV and go to bed... to sleep.

But seriously. There can't be anyone who doesn't know this by now. As a teenager I could recite the calorie content of thousands of foods, and give a rough estimate of how much exercise I would need to burn them off (half an hour on a bike going uphill to get rid of a thin slice of chocolate cake). I was only a borderline anorexic, and that was in the eighties. Teenagers must be able to give you a calorie in/calorie burn estimate for each individual mouthul in these skinny-minny obsessed times?

It's not lack of knowledge that makes people fat, it's lack of motivation, lack of resources, lack of good role models. And lack of money is a big factor surely? You only need to look at the inhabitants of NYC compared to the fat schlubs elsewhere in America to see that plenty of money and lots of hope makes it easier to be skinny -and let's face it the fat bellied, big bottomed folk you see on our streets are not likely to be bankers, CEO's and aristocrats are they? Nope. Buying good quality protein and fresh veg (from Waitrose) costs. Twenty high fat ready meals from the Basics section of Lidl is cheap, cheap, cheap.

In my Scottish families little 'village' (actually a very large and very disadvantaged council housing estate) there are two supermarkets. One is the size of my lounge, the other specializes in cheap booze, dog food and freezer products. You don't get thin on the contents of this supermarket. And quite frankly if you give up eating and drinking in this sort of place, what are you going to do for fun? Theatre? Nope. Cinema - nope, shopping? Nope. Sports? Nope. Live music? Nope. You CAN do - drugs, drink (especially Buckfast wine), chips and custard creams.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't do anything about obesity, course we should. But if anyone imagines that a pill will do it, or patronising ads on the telly, or more 'information' they're being foolish. People need to enjoy sport and healthy activities for its own sake, they need access to good food, they need normal role models of sensible weights (who are not pilloried by fatuous magazine because they have a tiny muffin top) - they need a reason to be healthy. And we are not going to get that from a pill.

I noticed a couple of letters about so-called New Atheists in the Guardian - I was going on holiday at the time so I kinda stuck it on the back burner to be pissed about later.

I think that some christians imagine that there is a new movement out there - headed up by Dawkins and Hitchens - that is somehow 'taking them on'.

Here's the thing. Atheism is simply not believing in a god - it's not about setting up an alternative or following in the footsteps of some guru or other - it's just that you don't believe in the imaginary friend. And it's not new - lots of folk must've had questions in the past (probably got burnt for it) - and its not A- theism - it's just atheism - small 'a', the default position, where we started off before we had questions that needed an easy answer. It's my hope that at some point it'll be the default position again - when we realise that a big old 'god' myth is not necessary or helpful for explaining 'stuff' and often gets in the way of human beings being fully adult.... or, in many cases, humane.

Knitting is an internet phenomenon - no really. Try this, type knitting socks into your google search bar - not now, later is fine - and you'll find yourself deluged by hits. Weird isn't it? Once upon a time knitting was a thing that elderly ladies from Huddersfield did, now it's something that hot twenty-somethings from California do. Try this - knitted bikinis or knitted thongs. Granny would not have got out her needles for something like that would she. I should say not.

Google searches, social network sites, blogs, twittering even - all of them have been gathered into the gaping maw of modern knitting - and turned into a new and (whisper it) sexy hobby. Yes, it's still about needles and yarn, but now it's also about cashmere and lingerie, socks and silk, lace and weird and wonderful new fibres.

And there's some great voices out there - tired of dull political blogs and celebrity sniping? - try Yarn Harlot - the writer is very nearly an industry now but still retains that authentic feel. Like y'know she writing to YOU and she understands you, and you could be, like, friends.

Ravelry plays with social networks and knitting - finding patterns is a piece of cake (last month saw a free pattern run like viral fire through the world of knitting - look up the February lady sweater and wonder how you can get that many hits).

The patterns themselves are exciting of course, but that's just a part of the whole appeal, you don't knit to make a cheap jumper. You do it because of the challenge of a three dimensional puzzle, the recognition of centuries of history being called up by your fingers and the sheer sensuality of wrapping those silk and wool, mohair and bamboo fibres around your fingers and creating something. It's all good.